


Why would you love me?

by KilluaZoldick



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Rape, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:15:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28988376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilluaZoldick/pseuds/KilluaZoldick
Summary: When Killua finally manage to escape from his abusive ex, he finds himself lost in the streets. Not to worry though, Gon, a stranger Killua is unsure if he can trust or not, comes along and helps him.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 71
Kudos: 151





	1. Escape.

**Author's Note:**

> I will remember to write trigger warnings at the beginning of every chapter. 
> 
> It’s only the very beginning of this chapter which has a rape scene, after that there’s nothing too explicit.
> 
> Although Killua has a lot of insecurities and suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> TW: rape

He once again begged for it all to stop, gasping as he was pushed into the wall.

Greasy hands ripping at his white curls, doing nothing good for the building pain that formed in his forehead. 

“Stop screaming, you don’t want me to hurt you, do you?” Was spoken from behind him, in a low threatening voice. The merciless thrusting only going faster. It was painful, disgusting, he wanted for it all to just stop, but the other kept going, as if he was nothing but a toy. A toy to be used to the others liking and then just forgotten till they felt like using it again.

Shaking his head in response, he replied, “I’m sorry, please, i wont do it again, so please just let me go, it really hurts.” he tried again, this time in a low voice, barely above a whisper. He was angry, yes, very. But also so extremely terrified, even if he did fight back, he would only get hurt further. Last time he tried, he ended up with a broken arm.

But even as he tried to be careful, the other wouldn’t stop. He was bend over in a humiliating position, his back aching and his thighs shaking. If it wasn’t for the cold wall he was pressed against, he might have fallen to his knees. The tears began to fall from his eyes, landing on the ground and his reddening chest.

He was pulled from the wall, bashed harshly into the ground. head spinning from the impact, everything turned dark for a moment. He really needed to get out of here, away. Just run. But all those thoughts were useless when he was now pressed   
roughly against the tiled floor.

he felt weak, so completely useless. He was a man, twenty-two years old at the time, yet here he was, laying on the floor crying helplessly. What was even keeping him from fighting back. If worst came to worst, and he lost the fight like last time, he might be lucky enough to die, then it would all end and he wouldn’t have to live in this pathetic body of his.

So what was keeping him from trying? Was it fear? Perhaps he was simply a coward? 

He hated this, all of it. He hated himself the most. 

“Don’t you dare cry like you’re the victim here” was hissed into his ear. “Do you think I like doing this?” It was his own fault, for doing something wrong, so he didn’t have the right to be mad, he was just being punished for what he did.

Even so, he’d had enough, enough of all of it. whether it was because of the rage building up inside him, or simply the adrenaline that came with the pain. 

The love he once had for the other was far gone, nothing was keeping him, not even the sweet words that so often were whispered as if nothing happened. Now, those words only pissed him off. 

“No, i’m sorry” he whispered back, for now he would endure it, endure the horrible pain of a thousand needles that came with every dry thrust. Then later, when the other was asleep, far too gone to notice, he would leave, leave this hellhole he had been trapped in for so long.

...

And that’s exactly what he did.

When he was sure the other was soundly asleep, he sneaked out of bed. Too scared of waking the other, he just took his shoes and jacket in hand before running. When he was down by the exit of the the apartment, he slipped on his shoes and zipped up his jacket before running faster than he ever had.

His legs and back were sore, his face a mix of blue and yellow on his pale skin. But despite all of that, there was the adrenaline that kept him going, along with the faint hope of freedom.

His legs carried him as far as they could get, before he took cover in a narrow alleyway, if you could even call it that, it was more like a small gab between two buildings. He slid down onto the ground, catching his breath.

He breathed in, slow and unsteady. Then out, just the same. After doing so a few times, his heartbeat slowed down, although not returning to it’s normal speed.

And just then, when the adrenaline was gone, the tears fell down his face. Broken sobs left him as he desperately tried to calm himself. He had left his phone at home, not wanting to be tracked. Therefore he had little to no clue what time it was. But the sun was slowly beginning to rise, early as it did in the summer months.

Even though it was the end of July, he was freezing. Only wearing shorts and a tanktop underneath his summer jacket. He had no money and nowhere to go, which means that he’s basically homeless now. It was better though, wasn’t it? Better than back at the apartment. 

His thoughts were racing and the breath he had managed to calm, were beginning to fasten up again. He had nowhere to go, would he die out here?

———

Gon was on his 5am morning walk with Kon. The sun was beginning to rise, coloring the sky in orange and pink hues.

Kon was wagging happily as he put one paw in front of the other, gracefully. Then he stopped, his tail dropped low and Gon could see he was searching for something, listening.

“What’s up, buddy?” He asked, Kon looked back at him with a whine, “show me the way” Was the keyword for Kon to continue walking, he waited to cross the street, and since there were practically no cars this early in the morning, they quickly got to the other side. Kon leaded the way over to an alleyway, stopping in front of it.

“Did you see a ca-“ Gon stopped in his tracks when he saw a person sitting there. He was hyperventilating and far too stuck in his thoughts to even notice them.

“Hey, do you need help?” He crouched down in front of the crying boy. Snow white locks fell in front of his face, making it impossible for Gon to see it. Kon was sitting patiently next to him, watching for any signal to help the stranger.

However the boy showed no sign of calming down, and if he didn’t stop hyperventilating soon, he would pass out.

“Look at me” he said softly, trying to remember how to do this again, oh right- “tell me what color my eyes are” Gon continued when the boy shifted to look at him. His face was bruised, his eyes puffy and red from crying. Even so, Gon was stunned for a moment at how pretty he was. 

“B-brown” he answered in a shaky voice, looking confused and scared.

“Now tell me what color my hair is” Gon said with a smile, watching as the boy’s breathing slowed. It was still erratic, but his hyperventilating had stopped. 

“Black” he said through a sob. 

“See, you are doing so well. Alright, one more. Uh- What color is this bracelet?” Gon asked, lifting his arm. The boy before him flinched, hands pulled up to defend his face. “Shhhh, I’m not gonna hurt you, i promise” he tried to say as calmly as possible, but the concern was clear in his voice. 

Gon wasn’t a therapist, nor a doctor. But with his job, he had met a lot of mentally challenged people in the past. He’d come across situations like this before.

“You can pet Kon, if you want” Gon tried a different tactic. “Don’t worry, he wouldn’t harm a fly” He smiled, this time keeping his hands rested on his thighs. The boy looked over at Kon, who was sitting there wagging. A hesitant nod let Gon know it was alright, he signaled for Kon to come over.

Pale fingers ran through soft black and white fur. Gon could see that his fingertips were picked at, some had even bled. 

“He’s a bernese mountain dog, I have had him for two years now. We found him stuck in a fence when he was still a little pup.” Trying to converse is more calming than overwhelming someone with questions, Gon decided.

“He’s a good boy” the stranger whispered, chocking on a chuckle, his tears had stopped from dropping, but sobs still left him every once in a while. 

“Do you want me to follow you home?” Gon asked after a while. He managed to put two and two together when he saw the boy tense. Did he run away from home? Perhaps, although he did look old enough to live on his own. “I might know a place where you can go” he added, after the very clear “no” in the boy’s expression.

The stranger looked up at him, from where his gaze had previously focused on Kon. “Wh-where?” He asked, confused.

“An acquaintance of mine works at a shelter.” Gon said, not sure how he should be direct without interfering in business that wasn’t his to interfere in. But the stranger seemed to understand what he meant, which made it all a bit easier.

“Alright” he said, voice still raspy from crying. He stood up slowly, looking like he was in a lot of pain. Which he probably was. Gon stood up next, making sure his movements were calm.

“Is it alright if I ask for your name? Mine is Gon, btw” he added after they began to walk.

“Killua” was answered quietly. 

——

They were walking, on their way to what Killua assumed to be an abuse shelter. He was still not sure about the intentions of this stranger, but he had nowhere else to go and everything was better than back to his boyfr- ex, he corrected.

This stranger had suddenly showed up and helped him calm down from his panic attack. How bad could he be? Killua tried to reason with himself, to calm down.

His dog didn’t have a leash on, only a harness. On the harness was written out ‘training dog’ in bold readable letters. 

“So what is Kon training for?” He asked, trying to break the awkward silence that he was guilty for creating. He was keeping up his guard, always answering with short words or the nod of his head. Although this stranger seemed kind, he was still a stranger, for all Killua knew he could be led away from town to be robbed.

“He’s a support dog trained to help a teen with ADHD, but they cancelled the order a few weeks before his training was over, and I chose to keep him instead of finding a new owner” Gon explained, patting the head of the wagging dog. “I had gotten pretty close to him over time” 

“You train dogs?” Killua asked curiously.

“Mhm, I train support dogs in my free time. But i work at the animal shelter” Gon said cheerfully. His voice was calming, for moments it made Killua forget what was even going on. But then he remembered, and his mind began to fill again with thoughts so many it’s overwhelming.

“Aren’t you pretty busy then?” Killua asked in hope of keeping the conversation going.

“No, not really” Gon says as if he’s thinking about something. “No” he repeated, this time he sounded more sure of his answer. He gave Killua a sweet smile and continued talking about the animal shelter.

They walked for a bit longer, Gon talked for the most, but killua asked some questions to keep him going. It felt oddly natural to talk to Gon, as if they had always known each other. Then Killua was once again reminded of his situation, when Gon said “this is it” standing in front of a normal looking apartment.

“I’m not 100% sure if they will let you in unannounced, so I’m gonna wait out here and if they wont, then come back out and we can figure something else out, alright? And in case they do let you stay, then tell me as well, so I will know.” Gon rambled on. Killua just nodded before heading into the building. 

He didn’t really know what to say, would they just understand? Was this even an abuse shelter? What if Gon thought he was just homeless? It was all a bit overwhelming. Part of him wanted to cry and just run out of the building, avoiding having to talk to anyone, another part of him kept him in place, since he really had nowhere else to go. Sleeping on the street didn’t sound very nice and he certainly didn’t want to try. However he had no money, no job, not even a phone. 

He sucked in a breath, doing his best to stop the forming panic attack he could feel creep up his throat. 

———

Gon waited patiently at the steps outside the apartment. Kon was napping by his feet. The summer sun was out, reminding him that he had run out of sunscreen yesterday. 

He couldn’t help but think about Killua. The way he talked and his sorrow-filled chuckles, his desperate tries to break the awkward silence strangers tended to have, even the way he walked so gracefully. Gon wanted to get to know him better, but he would probably never see him again if the abuse shelter let him stay. 

He was mad at himself for hoping he would come out again.

And after 5 minutes, he did. 

He walked down the stairs, a frown on his face. the shelter wouldn’t let him stay because he was a man. Gon felt stupid for not thinking that through, but also mad that they didn’t let him in only because of that. 

“I’m sorry” he didn’t really have a plan B, all he knew was that he wanted Killua to be safe. But he had been keeping his guard up ever since they met, even keeping a distance from him, as if Gon would just hurt him out of nowhere. It made sense, judging from the bruises on his face. 

“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.” Killua said hesitantly. Gon felt his stomach twist, he didn’t know what to do next, all he wanted to do was help, but how did he tell Killua that?

“I know you probably don’t trust me,” he started out, it seemed like a good start, “but if you want to, you can go with me to work. You seem pretty tired, and I know there’s a couch in the staff room you could sleep on, then I can figure something else out in the meantime” if he asked if Killua wanted to go with him home, it might scare him away and that’s the last thing Gon wants.

“Am I not a burden to you?” He asked genuinely, as if that wasn’t the furthest thing from the truth.

“Not in the least” he went with a less dramatic response. Giving the most reassuring smile he could muster.

Killua nodded his head hesitantly, as if he wasn’t completely sure whether or not Gon told the truth. One thing was for sure, Gon really wanted to beat up whoever broke this precious boy. Whoever scarred him into feeling like he’s worthless. 

But in Gon’s eyes, he was truly beautiful. He believed so at least, although he only just met him half an hour ago, he could feel it and his hunches were never wrong.


	2. Uneasy sleep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua’s fear of being a burden stays strong, as Gon offers him kindness he haven’t felt in years, if ever.
> 
> Kinda TW: self esteem issues.

It was barely past 7am when they arrived at the animal shelter. Although he was quiet, and not very talkative, Killua didn’t seem shy. Small butterflies flew around in Gon’s stomach every time Killua responded or questioned into their conversation. 

Gon unlocked the door to the shelter and invited Killua inside, with a careful hand gesture. They were instantly met with the smell of dog food and the sound of welcoming pups. 

Gon proceeded to take the harness off of Kon, before letting him go free. He hung the harness up next to a bunch of leashes and then hung his own jacket up next to it.

“You can just hang your jacket there, if you want.” Gon smiled at Killua, who still hadn’t moved, from where he stood politely by the front door. 

Today was Saturday, which meant nobody else would be working before 4pm, when Gon’s shift ended. Which was perfect, since Killua didn’t seem like he was ready to talk to a lot of strangers. Also, if Zushi were here, he would surely question the bruises on Killua’s face, which is not exactly ideal. 

There’s of course also the possibility that someone would come to adopt or visit a dog, but they wouldn’t be going into the break room, so that shouldn’t be a problem. 

It was pretty unusual for Gon to overthink things, but he really feared that he would scare Killua away. He was so curious to know everything about this gorgeous mysterious stranger. He wanted to become his friend, get to know him. Even the most simple things, like his favorite food or color.

“Are you hungry? Thirsty?” Gon asked, looking back at Killua who was hesitantly taking his summer jacket off. “We have instant noodles and hot pockets in the break room” he added. They have a small kitchen in there, since they work so few and shifts are often long. Everyone knew each other in the shelter, it was like Gon’s extra family. If he ever got to be friends with Killua, he would definitely introduce him to them.

However now was not the time to think that way. Killua had been yawning every few minutes and the bags under his eyes, told Gon that he definitely hadn’t slept in a while.

“Are you sure I’m allowed to be here?” Killua asked quietly. His gaze was focused on his fiddling hands, that still held his jacket.

“Don’t worry, you came here with me, so there’s no problem.” Gon gave him a reassuring smile. Killua nodded and went to hang his jacket up next to Gon’s.

They walked behind the desk and into the break room. Gon got a glass of water for Killua, as well as a blanket. “I have to go feed everyone, so you can just stay here and sleep if you want to. You won’t have to worry about anyone walking in here, and if you need anything, just come find me, alright?” He said. Killua nodded as he nibbled on his glass. He looked so troubled and Gon really wanted to help, but he knew it wasn’t his place to ask.

“Thank you, Gon.” Killua said then, just as he was about to leave the room. Gon turned with a bright smile, “don’t think about it.” He answered and left. Killua’s soft words had shot him through the heart, like when you see a baby giggle.

Gon then got to work, feeding all the animals. Some dogs were still puppies and needed special food, while others just needed bigger and smaller amounts. Bigger dogs of course got more than the smaller ones, but there was also the ones on diets. By now though, he had come to memorize it all, without looking at the papers.

Once feeding was done, he let them out into the yard. While they were out there, he got to cleaning the cages, which was mostly just a quick do-over with the broom and then onto the next. 

The shelter wasn’t very big, considering that they live in a smaller city. It was rarely busy and cleaning hardly took more than half an hour. He went to check up on the dogs again before going back to the break room. 

He just wanted to check If everything was alright. 

He sneaked a peek through the creek of the door, to see if Killua was asleep. The room was dark, the lights turned off and on the couch laid a sleeping boy. The light creeping in from the barely opened door, lit up his face. He looked worried sleeping, but still so pretty. Gon took a second too long to close the door again, he couldn’t help himself from looking.

He went back out into the yard. All the dogs were either playing or sleeping. He sat down on the grass, criss cross, and couldn’t help but think about Killua. 

Two of the dogs came over to him, wagging their tails and demanding cuddles. Kon was sleeping in the shadow, he helped Gon keep an eye on the other dogs. He must be tired, Gon thought. Their walk this morning had been longer than usually. 

Gon felt a bit sleepy too, he wasn’t used to thinking so much. He was constantly making sure his arm movements were calm, while he would normally talk very animately. He wanted to play his cards right, he was selfishly hoping that Killua wouldn’t leave. He felt mad at himself, he had tried to work with his bad habit of selfishness, but feelings were hard to control.

He let himself fall back and land onto the grass. It seems like he finally found something interesting. But for now, he should get back to work, there was no time for just laying around.

...

The old leather couch felt surprisingly satisfying to lay on. Killua opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. He felt dizzy, a bit nauseous, actually.

These last 24 hours had been way more eventful, than he liked it to be. 

Thinking about time.. How long had he slept?

He sat up slowly, the couch protesting underneath him. His gaze turned over towards the clock on the wall. It was half past one, which means he would have slept for around 6 hours. Weird, he still felt oddly exhausted, as if he had barely gotten ten minutes.

What was Gon doing? Did he leave already or is he still working? Would he just leave him here? He might have... after all, they were still strangers.

He decided to get up from the couch. His legs were still sore, bruised too. Gon definitely noticed it, he would have to be blind not to, but he never commented on it, or asked into it. Although he did take him to an abuse shelter.

Geez.. his headache was getting worse. Everything felt far too overwhelming. Not only did he finally leave the apartment, but everything about Gon worried him, too. Gon would get enough of him eventually, think that he’s weird or a burden. The thought made him sad, for what reason he didn’t know. He hardly knew Gon, why should he care about what he thought. In the end, he would be left alone again.

His gaze wandered to the empty glass. Gon had so kindly offered him water and a place to sleep. He’s being selfish, greedy. It would probably be best if he just left, without telling Gon. He had already done so much for him, taking anything more would be overstaying his welcome.

He put his shoes back on, before walking out of the break room. 

“Ah! Killua, you’re awake” he flinched as Gon called out to him. He wasn’t supposed to see him leave. “Sorry,” Gon apologized quickly “I’m just glad you got a lot of sleep, you seemed pretty tired.”

What was he supposed to say?

“Thanks a lot,” he bowed slightly, avoiding eye contact. “I should probably leave now.” He excused, walking over towards his jacket. 

“Oh... Do you have somewhere to be?” Gon asked, staying in the same spot. He sounded sad, but why would he be?

“No, not really... But I don’t want to overstay my welcome.” He chose to be honest, Gon didn’t deserve a lie, even if it was small. He looked back at Gon, finally meeting his gaze. His expression was unreadable, although he did look sad.

“You really shouldn’t worry about that.” Gon mumbled, a forced chuckle leaving him. “Of course, if it’s because you don’t feel comfortable around me, then I won’t force you to stay. But if you’re just worried that you’re being a burden, then you should know, that I really do enjoy your company, I promise.” He said reassuringly, a soft smile on his face. He looked so bright, causing Killua to look away once again.

He didn’t deserve all this kindness. He had nothing to offer Gon, nothing but to worry him. Who was he to be treated with such altruism.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to worry around me.” Was added, it was almost enough to tear him up, but instead he just nodded. “Alright” he mumbled in return. Gon lit and Killua didn’t have to look up, to know that he was smiling. 

Really, what did he do to deserve this?

His stomach protested loudly, resembling the sound of a growling dog. Killua could feel his cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

Gon just let out a soft laugh, saying “when did you last eat?” To be honest, he wasn’t sure. He had dinner yesterday, but threw it all up in the bathroom, after everything that happened. Then there was lunch, he had eaten a piece of toast with butter, but that was really all.

He avoided the worried expression that began to form on Gon face, when it had taken him a while to answer. 

“Come on, we will find you something to eat.” Gon said reassuring, he wore a sad smile on his face. Placing the broom -that Killua just now noticed- against the wall, before walking past him and into the break room. 

Killua followed along silently. 

“Alright, we have three different types of cup noodles, two boxes of hot pockets and...” Gon went through the cupboard’s, along with the fridge, in the small kitchen. Meanwhile Killua stood behind him. He wasn’t good at making decisions, or having to choose between more items. But he didn’t want to bother Gon about it either.

“Cup noodles are fine.” He answered quickly, feeling guilty that Gon was wasting his time going through all the food they had. Killua didn’t want Gon to waste time on him, he didn’t feel like he was worth it. Although he was convinced to stay, the insecurity of bothering Gon, still remained and reminded him every minute. Reminded him that he wasn’t worth it. It was hard to forget when Gon was so kind to him.

“Sure, which one would you like?” Gon asked, presenting him the different kinds. Killua just pointed at the one with chicken flavor, trying not to think too hard about it. “Alright, coming right up.” Gon smiled sweetly. A faint tinkling rushed through Killua’s stomach every time he saw that smile.

...

The hours pasted by. Killua was following Gon around the shelter, offering a hand every now and then. They were constantly on the move, cleaning this or cleaning that. Whenever Gon was done cleaning, he found something new to do. 

Killua couldn’t help but wonder whether it was his job to do all of that, or if he did it on own free will. Gon had told him he wasn’t busy, but he never seemed to take a break. 

Before Killua knew it, it was almost 4pm. Gon was getting ready to leave, saying that some man named knuckle, if he remembers correctly, was coming to take over. 

“Killua.” He suddenly started, a bit more serious in his tone, than the rest of their conversation had been. Killua feared for a second that he had done something wrong, and prepared himself to get yelled at.

He nodded in reply, urging Gon to speak. 

“You don’t have anywhere to go, do you?” Gon asked, although it wasn’t much of a question, more a confirmation. Killua shook his head in reply, unsure on what to answer. “In that case, you could come with me home, if you feel alright with that. I really don’t want you to sleep outside.” He added, with a small chuckle at the end.

Killua didn’t know what to think. He was mixed between the thought of “stranger danger” and “Gon’s kind, he wouldn’t hurt you.” And then of course his constant fear of overstaying his welcome. However, in the end he came to the conclusion, that the chances of him getting raped, were bigger if he slept on the street, than if he slept at Gon’s.

“If you really don’t mind, then I would like to.” He said, returning Gon’s smile without thinking much about it.


	3. Overwhelmed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive at Gon’s house. However Killua is not feeling all too well.
> 
> Tw: vomiting.
> 
> If that tells you anything XD

Gon didn’t live far from the animal shelter. A ten minutes walk, and they were at his apartment. 

He took another glance back at the fiddling boy, who was ripping at the skin around his nails. He had just met Killua today, a little more than 11 hours ago now. It made sense that he would be nervous to tread into a strangers house.

“Don’t worry.” He smiled as he unlocked the door to his apartment. He wondered if Killua was actually afraid of him, he wouldn’t want that. He wouldn’t ever hurt Killua, not on purpose at least. Far from, what he really wanted to do was pander him and spoil him rotten. It was weird really, for him to feel like that towards a complete stranger.

Not that he minded it much. He’s always been a person helping and pleasing others, what much difference could it be this time?

He reached for the door handle and swung it open. Watching from the side of his eye, as Killua was hesitant to walk in. He had yet to move from the spot, in which he stood when Gon was still unlocking the door. 

“Hey..” Gon whispered in a soft voice. “I promise you that I wont do anything, I just want to make sure you’re safe and not searching for somewhere to sleep on the street.” He explained just the same. 

Killua gave him a soft nod of the head, stepping past the threshold. Kon had already went inside, sitting patiently for his harness to be pulled off. Gon did just that, before returning his gaze back to his guest. 

It was still light outside. The sky staying a soft blue, although it was past 4pm. The sun beams came in through the still open door, lighting up the narrow entrance. 

Gon offered his hand to take Killua’s jacket, he was returned with a confused look. 

“Your jacket.” Gon pointed towards the mentioned item. Killua mumbled out a quiet “oh” handing it to him. His cheeks turned slightly pink, as if embarrassed. Adorable, was the first word that came to Gon’s mind, but he quickly pushed it away. 

...

As Gon led him out of the entrance and into his living room, Killua couldn’t help but notice how clean it was. He had for some reason expected it to smell like wet dog, but if you were to walk in, without knowing Kon, you would think there were no pets at all. 

He glanced around the room, trying to catch any form of evidence, that Gon could possibly be a serial killer. He came up with nothing. It was simple and clean. A few books and picture frames on the large bookshelf. A smooth gray colored couch and wooden coffee table. That, some more furniture and then plants, lots of them. 

“I’m planning on making dinner, any allergies?” Gon called from a different room, Killua followed his voice and found himself in the kitchen. The tiles that filled the wall were shining bright. The counters were spotless. Was all that hard work at the shelter then his own choice? And yet he still came home and cleaned everything here as well?maybe he had a girlfriend or roommate. Was Killua even allowed to be in here? 

“Do you live here alone?” He asked, looking around as if he would somehow spot a third party. 

Gon looked at him, taken-aback, as if he didn’t realize Killua was there. “I’m sorry” he apologized, not intending to have crept up on him like that. Gon gave him a dismissive wave and a smile. 

“Don’t apologize, I just didn’t hear you come in, is all.” They locked eyes for a moment, Gon smiled kindly, his teeth blinding white. Their gaze stayed on each others for a moment too long, he didn’t know why, but it made his stomach flutter. Gon let out a small cough, clearing his throat, “so, do you have any allergies?” He repeated shyly. 

“No food allergies, no.” Killua turned his gaze to the bowl with fruits in it, that stood on the small table. He couldn’t help but notice how Gon didn’t answer his question, whether it was because he simply forgot or if he avoided it. Killua didn’t want to ask again, maybe it was a sensitive topic. Although he was curios to know.

“Do you like spicy food?” Gon asked, cheery once again. Killua hummed, staying in place by the threshold, that separated the kitchen and living room. “Make yourself at home, I’m gonna cook something for us, alright?” Gon smiled that sweet smile. How was he supposed to make himself at home? He doesn’t even remember a time in which he was comfortable back at the apartment.

Sleeping was ruined by sharing space with his ex. He would get yelled at if he sat on the couch for too long. He tended to always be on edge whenever his ex wasn’t at work, and when he was, Killua was still on edge. If his ex had a bad day, it would be put onto him, so he had to prepare for anything.

It was stupid, now that Killua came to think about it. He feels more comfortable in the home of a complete stranger he doesn’t even know the last name of, than he did back at the apartment. 

Gon had been so nice, it felt all wrong. Yet, it felt weird. It made his stomach tickle, all the kind acts, all of Gon’s smiles and cheery words. Was he allowed to be this selfish? Surely he didn’t deserve it. But then again, Gon would probably leave him soon enough. 

“Are you thirsty?” Gon asked, turning around to look at Killua, who -despite being told to make himself at home- has still not moved far past the threshold.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Killua said in return, although he did feel a bit thirsty, but he didn’t want to trouble Gon. 

“Do you like chili? My aunt’s was known to be the best back in my hometown.” Gon smiled, spacing out for a second with an expression of nostalgia. He shook his head, probably to snap back into reality.

“That sounds good.” Killua replied, returning Gon’s smile subconsciously. He wasn’t used to smiling like this, it felt so different, weird. Being with Gon made him feel warm, if that even makes sense, it doesn’t in his own head, but he has no other way of describing it. 

“You’re really adorable.” The words quickly snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked up at Gon, only to find him looking as confused as Killua felt. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.” Gon was giggling, his cheeks were red, he looked kind of panicked. Those words had made his stomach turn, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, like when he was scared, more just strange to him. 

Not knowing what to answer, he just averted his eyes to the floor, hiding his face behind his bangs.

“Oh right!” Gon spoke loudly, breaking whatever silence that had been created. Killua found himself holding back a flinch, even though he did feel his heart skip a beat. “I have to pick up some more ingredients for the chili. Would you like to stay here, then you can shower and well, tend to your needs.” 

“You’re fine with letting a complete stranger stay in your house, unsupervised?” Killua asked, confused more than anything. How could Gon trust him that much? He legitimately found him on the street.

“Well, are you gonna steal anything?” Gon asked teasingly. Killua shook his head. “Then it’s fine, right?” He cheered, as if he just solved world hunger.

“You don’t know me, I could be lying, you know?” Killua said, raising his voice slightly, in frustration. He didn’t mean to, quickly taking a step back, in case Gon would get mad. 

However after a few seconds, all that came was a laugh. A loud one at that. “Well, I trust you.” Gon spoke, smiling sweetly. Killua could feel his face heat up, embarrassment nagging at him. 

“You can borrow some of my clothes, it might be a bit big on you, but it should fit.” Huh? Where did that come from? “I’m thinking you want to put something clean on after showering” Gon added, probably noticing his confused expression. 

“Is that okay? I don-“ he was cut off by Gon’s soft chuckle. “Don’t worry about any of that, please, I want to make sure you’re comfortable.” Killua felt dizzy, he really didn’t understand anything. Maybe sitting down would help?

“Alright? Let’s find some clothes for you, come with me.” 

...

After handing Killua something to wear, along with a towel. He left to go to the store. He figured that Killua probably needed some space, some alone time. 

Hopefully Mito’s chili would cheer him up. It never failed to make Gon feel better. She always made it for him when he was having a bad day.

His trip to the grocery store was short and uneventful. He got the stuff he needed, paid and was on his way back to the apartment again. 

He pasted a guy that looked absolutely pissed. It seemed like he was looking for something, yelling at whoever he laid eyes on. Gon quickened his steps, to avoid any conflict. 

Luckily he arrived back home without any trouble. Letting out a relived sigh as he closed the front door behind him. Kon came in from the living room, face shaped flatly, after napping on the hardwood floor.

“Hi buddy, where’s Killua?” Gon’s question was answered the second later, when Killua joined them in the entrance. Gorgeous couldn’t even describe how amazing he looked in Gon’s t-shirt and shorts. God have mercy.

“Hey.” Killua greeted softly.

“Are you feeling better now?” Gon asked, getting up from where he had been petting Kon.

“Yes, thank you.” Killua smiled shyly. He looked adorable, there was no denying it.

“I’m glad. If you want to, you can help me make the chili.” Gon offered, wanting to spend more time with the other.

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to mess it up” Killua said, forcing a small laugh. 

“Don’t you worry! You can help cut the vegetables.” Gon smiled, he wanted to make sure Killua knew that he was wanted. Gon wasn’t pitying him, he haven’t felt this much joy in a while.

“If you’re sure, then I can give it a try.” Killua averted his eyes, but still had a small smile on his face. 

...

Killua couldn’t help but feel lost in thought. They were sitting at Gon’s small dinner table, the chili was absolutely amazing, he really hadn’t lied about that. But his mind was drifting to everything that happened the day before. With his ex, the punishment and all of that. It had happened right after dinner, when he accidentally tripped and broke their plates. 

He tried apologizing, cleaning it up quickly. But his ex had a bad day at work, his boss had yelled at him or something. 

“Hey..” Gon spoke up softly, Killua looked up to find worried eyes focused on him. “Are you alright?” He asked.

At first Killua didn’t understand why, but then he noticed a tear that ran down his cheek and landed on his plate. He quickly moved his sleeve up to rub at his eyes. “I’m fine” he chocked out weakly.

Gon’s eyes were filled with concern, full of questions. Questions Killua couldn’t answer, he didn’t know Gon. Even worse, what if he was homophobic? Would he kick him out? 

“You don’t have to talk about it, but if you want to, then I’m right here, alright?” Gon offered kindly. If only he knew. But no, Gon would probably find him disgusting if he found out. 

Killua felt dizzy, so very dizzy. Was he going to throw up?

Without much thinking, he stood up quickly, hand covering his mouth before he found his way to the bathroom, he had become known to earlier when showering. Gon was calling out, following him too, it seemed from the sound of rushed footsteps.

He barely got to the toilet before throwing up everything he had eaten that day. It was scratching his throat, leaving it sore once everything was out. 

He found Gon behind him, panicking on what to do. He really didn’t want him to see that. Worst of all, everything in Gon’s apartment was spotlessly cleaned, and he just ruined that. He was going to hate him, throw him out.

“Are you okay? Do you need some water?” Gon words were fading away into the back of Killua’s mind. He was trying to get up, but everything was spinning. By the time he finally got a hold of the sink, his vision turned black.

———

The sounds of Gon talking was what woke him up. He expected to be on the toilet floor, but instead found himself sweaty, wrapped up in a blanket. He opened his eyes slowly, finding himself on a bed, Gon’s bed.

“Are you sure?... yes yes, I know. I will call you again... okay, I will.. yes, bye Leorio.” Gon let out a sigh, pocketing his phone. It wasn’t before then that he noticed Killua looking at him. “Oh thank god, you’re finally awake.” He gave a worried smile.

“What happened?” Killua asked, sitting up. His headache was especially bad today, like someone was beating his forehead with a hammer.

“You passed out in the bathroom. That was around twenty minutes ago.” Gon gave him that look full of kindness and concern. Killua didn’t get it, he didn’t deserve it. Once again he caused Gon trouble. Way to fucking go, you idiot.

“I’m really sorry.” What was he supposed to say. He’s a worthless piece of shit and he doesn’t deserve Gon’s pity or kindness. Not worth his worries.

“Don’t apologize. It’s not like you can control it. I bet you have had an overwhelming day, your body is just reacting to that.” Gon spoke sweetly, sitting at the foot of the bed. 

He’s not worth it, he’s useless and disgusting. 

“I’m going to get you some water, alright?” Gon gave him a sweet smile before getting up to leave.

This is it, he should run now and free Gon for all the trouble he’s causing him. 

He got out of bed, wobbling around, towards the door. He grabbed his jacket and shoes and ran out the door, not much different from this morning. He ran down the hallways and out onto the street.

He didn’t get far before something stopped him in track. Someone, to be precise.

“Killua! Babe, where have you been, I have been looking all over for you.” Sounded. Killua found himself paralyzed in place. Only able to watch as the other approached him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support!


	4. Manipulation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends?
> 
> Tw: harsh language.

“Killua! Babe, where have you been? I have been looking all over for you.” 

Run! Run! Run! Was all he could think about, but his body was paralyzed in place. All he could do was stand there, pathetically, with wide eyes. His ex was getting closer by every passing second. 

“I got so worried when I woke up and you weren’t by my side.” Spoke the other as he closed the distance and stopped few inches before him. A cold hand was placed on his cheek, caressing it gently. 

“Why are you looking so afraid, I’m not going to hurt you.” Lies, it was all lies. Why was his ex here, of all places? So close to Gon’s apartment. He was pulled into a hug, the smell of smoke filled his nostrils. What was he supposed to do, could he run? Right now he was stuck in the embrace of his ex.

“You’re trembling, are you cold?” He was pushed out of the hug, hands still on his shoulders. His ex was looking him up and down, then his expression changed, and not for the better. He did little to ask before zipping open Killua’s jacket. Right, he was still wearing Gon’s clothes.

“What’s this?” The other asked, forcing out a sweet tone that sounded more threatening than anything. “Have you been bothering strangers? You really can’t be on your own, huh?” Killua stood still, a hand landed on his head, petting him hesitantly. 

He didn’t know what to feel. Scared? Sad? Angry, maybe. 

“Come back home with me, alright? You wouldn’t want to bother anyone else, would you?” The other smiled sweetly. Moving to kiss him, but Killua moved his head in time for the others lips to land on his cheek instead.

The chuckle that left his ex would have sounded genuine to anyone that didn’t know him. But Killua knew that he was definitely not happy.

“Hey, babe, you don’t have to be afraid of me. I promise I wont hurt you, alright?” Killua’s hands were pulled up, held tightly by the other. “If this is about yesterday, then I’m sorry, okay? I promise there wont be any more punishments if you come back with me. You know i love you.”

He couldn’t go back to Gon, no. Gon would be mad at him, he wouldn’t want him there anyway. Perhaps it would be okay to go back with his ex. Then he wouldn’t have to bother anyone. He would have his clothes and phone, all his stuff. Maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

“Do you promise?” He asked, to confirm it. 

“Of course, babe.” This time Killua didn’t move his face away from the approaching lips. Instead he accepted it. “Come on, let’s get home.” Killua let himself be dragged away. What was he doing? Didn’t he run away because he had enough. Nobody can change on just a few hours. He was being manipulated again. 

This was bad, he had to get away. However the moment he tired to pull his arm out of the others grip, it tightened, painfully so.

“Killua.” It came out so threatening, paralyzing him in place once again. “We’re going home, understand?” Was snapped. All those smiles were fake, all the words. He should have known, deep down he did. 

A warm hand landed on theirs, gently pulling Killua away from his ex, before he could even see who it was. A broad figure stepped in front of him. Gon. He’s here.

...

Gon was in the kitchen, filling up a glass under the sink, when he heard the front door close. Without much thinking, he abandoned the glass in the sink and ran to his bedroom. It was empty, Killua gone.

Did he run away? Why? Had he done something wrong? 

He called for Kon to come and put the harness on him, before throwing his own shoes on. He didn’t plan on forcing Killua to come back, but he at least wanted to know why he left. He had to be quick though, if he were to catch up.

“Hey, buddy, can you find Killua?” Gon asked after he closed the front door behind him. Kon began to sniff around, picking up the scent quickly. If anything, he would be able to remember the smell of Gon’s clothes. 

It didn’t take long before Gon spotted the white hair in the distance. As he got closer, he noticed that Killua wasn’t alone. Someone was holding onto him, they were talking. The other person, he had seen him somewhere before. But where?

Gon stopped in track, when the stranger leaned down and kissed Killua. That was when he remembered where he had seen the man before. It was the angry person he pasted earlier, outside the grocery store.

Was that person perhaps the one who hurt Killua? If that was the case, then Gon refused to just watch as Killua got dragged away. He was quick to barge in, pulling Killua away. 

“G-Gon?” Killua had tears running down his cheeks, his voice trembling. Gon gave him a reassuring smile before returning his gaze towards the jerk at hand.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Was spat out, Gon was taken-aback for a second. No matter what, this guy definitely wasn’t good news.

“I think it’s time you leave.” Gon said. He was just barely taller than the other, starring down at him. He didn’t want to start a fight if it could be avoided, protecting Killua was the goal at hand. However he was absolutely willing to kick ass, if that was necessary.

“HA, out of my way, cunt” Gon stepped in front of him again when the other tried to move around him. Kon barked loudly, startling the stranger. 

“I’m going to have to ask you to back away. Kon here is raised to protect his owner and in any case, a dog like this could easily bite your hand off.” Gon spoke calmly. The stranger backed away, but was still in kicking distance.

“Is that a threat?” He asked bitterly, Gon would’ve laughed, had he not been pissed. 

“Not necessarily, but given that you still haven’t left, it might become one.” Gon’s back was turned to Killua, but he really wanted to check if he was okay. However he had to deal with the current problem at hand. 

“Why are you protecting that slut, anyway?” Now that made Gon angry, very angry. It took every bit of self control not to punch this fucker right on his nasty face.

“Watch your mouth.” Gon snapped, raising his voice for the first time today. “For all you need to know, Killua is a friend of mine and I wont let you talk about him like that.” To think that an idiot like this had his way with someone as precious as Killua. 

“A friend? HA, you just met him today.” Gon really didn’t like the way this guy was putting Killua down. How could he not see how amazing Killua really is?

“You need to leave.” Gon warned again. He really didn’t have time for this. He didn’t even know if Killua was still crying.

“This is none of your concern, Killua is mine, not yours.” Calm down, Gon, don’t hit him. Just take a deep breath, don’t let his brainless words get to you. Those were the thoughts he tried to listen to, however he was really mad.

“Yours!? Killua is a person, not an object. And you, sir, are an asshole.” He normally didn’t swear out loud, but he deemed it fitting in this situation. 

“You wanna fight?” At those words, Kon began barking. The stranger startled, backing further away. Kon was such a loyal companion. A good boy, if you may.

“Leave. This is the last warning.” Gon said sternly. Kon took a step forward.

“Whatever, I don’t need that burden anyway.” The other said before turning his back to Gon, hurriedly stomping away. Something told Gon that he was going to meet that jerk again, but for now, he had to make sure Killua was okay.

...

Today would easily be placed on the top worst days of Killua’s life. What was next? A god damn pandemic? 

“Are you alright?” Gon had turned around to look at him. He was giving him those eyes full of concern, Killua didn’t know whether he hated or adored them. The drying tears on his cheeks were beginning to itch. 

The words Gon had said were still playing in his head like a broken record player. Friend, friend, friend. What did he mean by that? Did he really think of Killua as his friend? Killua, who had done nothing but be a burden and selfishly take all the kindness Gon had to offer.

“Why did you leave?” Gon asked. He sounded hurt, but Killua didn’t dare look up to confirm it. “If it’s something I did, or said, please tell me.”

“Why did you follow me?” Killua mumbled out. He really didn’t get it. Why was Gon being so nice to him, they were nothing but strangers just this morning. Why Killua of all people? 

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I?” Gon questioned calmly. 

“We don’t know each other, I don’t understand why you’re being so nice to me.” Killua rasped out, a lump in his throat. He felt another tear slide down his cheeks. This was pathetic, he was pathetic.

“I don’t really get it either. But all I know is that I really enjoy being with you.” Why? It doesn’t make sense. Gon is sweet and cheerful and kind. Why would he hang out with Killua of all people? “Listen, I don’t care if we just met today. Time is stupid anyway. I want to get to know you, it’s not something I’m doing just to help you.” When was the last time anyone wanted to be with him? It was always a chore for others. 

“You’re not mad that I ran without telling you?” He really didn’t get it, but Gon hadn’t lied to him before, so he had no reason not to trust his words.

“I don’t think I could ever get mad at you.” Gon chuckled sweetly. “Do you wanna go back? It’s getting kind of chilly out here.” Killua nodded hesitantly. For now he would believe Gon’s words, he had nowhere else to be after all. 

Was it really okay to feel this happy? He didn’t deserve it. But still, he could be a bit selfish, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this as soon as I could, because last chapter was a cliffhanger XD


	5. Balcony.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling in.

“It’s alright, you can ask.” Killua said once they arrived at Gon’s apartment. They had yet to make it inside the building, the cold wind blew through their hair, making it stand on end. Gon hadn’t bothered putting a jacket on when rushing out the door, he’d come to regret that decision now.

For mid summer, it sure was a chilly night. 

“Ask about what?” He asked, although he could almost guess what Killua was getting at. 

“About everything... about... him.” Killua said, pointing in the direction they came from. He didn’t sound frustrated, more concerned, maybe even scared. Gon remembered all the cruel things the stranger had said about Killua, he could only wonder what he had said to his face, when Gon had yet to reach them.

“Although I am curious, I would never force you to tell me about it.” The last thing Killua needed right now was to worry more. Whatever happened between the two, Killua was clearly effected by it. Gon wanted to see him smile, even if it was just a tiny one.

“Let’s get inside, okay?” Gon offered as the other was seemingly far lost in thought. Killua nodded, giving him a small frown. 

They got inside, the apartments heat getting to them instantly. Gon let out a pleased sigh and freed Kon from his harness. He made a beeline for the kitchen and filled the kettle with water. 

“Do you want some lavender tea? I always drink a cup before bed, it helps me calm down.” Gon spoke casually, making sure Killua wouldn’t feel awkward. He had always been known for his charismatic personality, so hopefully it would help him in times like this.

“I- that would be nice, thank you.” Killua smiled, although it seemed forced. 

A few quiet minutes went by. The only sound that kept them from complete silence, was that of the kettles whining. 

“That man, he’s my ex.” Killua finally spoke. Gon was still learning to read his strange body language, but the way Killua kept his head low, hiding behind his bang, made Gon think he might be waiting for a rejection, maybe even an insult. 

“I kind of guessed that already. But I’m glad that you trust me enough to tell me.” Gon chuckled, rubbing at his nape. Killua looked at him with wide eyes, seemingly loading in the information Gon had just given him.

“So you don’t mind that I’m.. gay?” Killua asked him, fiddling with his hands. Was that what he was scared about? Gon being homophobic? 

“Why would I? I’m not exactly straight either.” He couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him. Killua was just too adorable. If only he could hug him tightly, but Gon wouldn’t do that without permission. 

“You’re not?” Killua asked, looking like a lost puppy. He kind of was just like the puppies Gon would rescue from the streets.

“I’m pan, It’s all about the personality in the end.” Gon said in a poetic way, raising a finger and pointing like a wise old man in movies. A moment of silence passed before they both began to laugh. And wow, Killua was undeniably beautiful when laughing. Gon found himself breathless for a moment, as cliche as that may sound.

They got cut off by the kettle whining it’s last. Gon prepared two mugs and put in the teabags. “Want any Milk, honey, sugar?” He asked, before adding the water. Killua shook his head, cheeks still red from laughing. 

In that moment a thought popped into Gon’s head, not entirely unwelcome. That was, he really wouldn’t mind living together with Killua. He was a people person for sure, but never had he thought that way about anyone, not even when he was with his exes. As the curious being he is, he couldn’t help but wonder what made Killua so different from the rest.

...

Gon had left the living room, to go put away their empty mugs. They had been sitting on the couch, watching some show on tv that they started halfway through the episode. 

It felt natural, being with Gon. Even their silence was comfortable. Killua didn’t feel the need to small talk, he didn’t want to either way. Today was a total shit-show, to say the least. 

“It’s getting pretty late, we should probably get a place ready for you to sleep.” Gon said as he walked back into the room. Killua hadn’t even thought about that, which is weird since he always overthinks everything. “You decide whether you want the couch or bed, I don’t mind either.” Gon added, now leaning against the couch.

“The couch is fine, I wouldn’t want to throw you out of your own room.” Killua answered quickly, there was really only one choice. Gon nodded, getting up and leaving the room once again.

He came back barely a minute later, holding a folded blanket and a pillow. Sleep sounded just about amazing right now, although he slept all day. 

“Thank you.” Killua forced a smile to be polite, hugging onto the soft comforter, Gon had handed him.

“No problem,” Gon smiled, he made move to leave the room before adding, “sleep tight.”

Killua was left alone in the room, with nothing but his thoughts. Normally that was never a good thing, but today he needed time to process everything. 

Gon. He was kind and easy to talk to. He had so far only helped Killua, but was that enough to trust him? 

His ex. Managing to run away seemed to be his smallest issue. Why was he right outside Gon’s apartment, when he lived a 20 minutes car ride away? How did he find Killua so fast? The entire thought of it was stressful. No matter how he looked at it, there was no way for his ex to track him. It couldn’t possibly be a coincidence, did god really hate him that much?

What now? He had nowhere to live, no money, no phone, no job. He didn’t even have any clothes, aside from his tank top and shorts. Going back to his family is not possible, he’s never going back there. 

His ex had forced him to cut all ties with friends, so there was no one he could go to. Getting an apartment would be close to impossible, the waiting lists were long and he couldn’t afford one either way. 

A job. He would have to look for a job. He couldn’t stay with Gon forever, but maybe if he paid part rent, he would be allowed a bit longer. He didn’t know Gon, so it might be asking for too much. However he really had next to no other idea. 

With all the worries of the future filling his head, he somehow managed to pass out on the couch. 

...

His alarmed rang at it’s usual time, 4:45 in the morning. The break in schedule and late bedtime last night, proved to make themselves very clear, through the aching pain in Gon’s forehead. 

He got up either way, getting ready for his walk with Kon. Killua was laying soundlessly asleep on the couch. He was curled up, hugging the blanket close. The bruises on his face still shoved no sign of healing, painting pale skin with yellows. Maybe he could pass by the drugstore and see if they had anything to fasten the healing process. 

He readied Kon and took one last glance at the sleeping boy, before leaving.

He got the ointment from the drugstore and some stuff from the grocery store. For one, a toothbrush. He then decided to get some chocolate. Killua had briefly mentioned his love towards the sweet, in a conversation yesterday.

He didn’t know whether to get dark or milk chocolate, so he got both. Hopefully it would cheer Killua up. If anything, it might bring a small smile to his pretty face.

Killua was still asleep by the time he got home. The short hand on the clock had just landed on 6, slowly ticking every minute, as watches does. Gon was supposed to work at the shelter today, but with Killua, he might ask someone to take his shift. 

He began calling, Zushi was unable to take the shift, since he got karate training. Palm had the morning to late afternoon shift. Bisky didn’t pick up, most likely sleeping. which left Gon to his last hope. He hated to bother knuckle about it, since he already worked yesterday, but hopefully he would understand.

“Sup, little champ!” Knuckle spoke on the other line. He sounded energetic.

“Hey knucks, I have a favor to ask.” Gon began slowly. “I have a.. an occupation today and I wanted to ask if you could possibly take my afternoon to evening shift?”

“Anytime! It must be important, I never seen you skip a days work.” Knuckle claimed loudly. Gon let out a relieved sigh, thanking Knuckle before hanging up.

By the time he returned to the living room, the couch was empty and Killua was nowhere to be seen. The first thought that ran to Gon’s mind was, “did he leave again?” However his shoes and jacket were still by the entrance, just like they had left them yesterday. 

Maybe he’s on the toilet, Gon thought. But the door stood open and the lights were off. 

Only after searching the entire apartment, did he notice the silhouette standing behind the glass door, that led to the balcony. Once again a relieved sigh left him and he went to join the boy.

“Goodmorning.” He spoke softly, closing the door behind him. Killua was looking down at the empty street, looking gorgeous as ever. 

“‘Morning.” Killua said back, voice still raspy from just waking up. he didn’t turn to look at him, instead his gaze followed the occasional cars that drove by. Gon was all too busy studying Killua’s side profile. He looked sad, but that was nothing new. 

“I see you found the balcony.” Gon spoke softly, trying to start conversation. He had to wonder if Killua liked him being around. He still keeps his fair distance, as one would a stranger. It made sense, which is why Gon wasn’t bothered much by it, but he wanted to know what Killua thought of him.

“I just needed some fresh air, I hope that’s okay?” Killua spoke calmly. 

“Of course, just make sure you close the door, don’t want too many mosquitos flying in.” Gon laughed in attempt to brighten the mood. A small smile was placed on the others face, but quickly turned into a frown instead.

“I’m really sorry, Gon.” Killua spoke suddenly, he turned around to look at him, but couldn’t keep eye contact for long. just as Gon was about to say something, Killua continued speaking. “I’m sorry about all of this. I’m an absolute mess and I have nowhere to go, but you still helped me and let me stay here for the night.”

The words came out so bold and polite, it seemed way out of Killua’s comfort zone. Well, Gon couldn’t say, he had only know the boy for a day.

“Killua..” how was he supposed to explain how he felt. To tell him that he doesn’t remember feeling this happy in a long time. He had missed waking up to another person. Every morning he did the same. Wake up, walk Kon, clean the house, go to work, go home, make food and then sleep, repeat. Now, he had someone to wake up to, someone to talk to, take care of. 

“I wouldn’t mind even if you stayed for weeks more, months even. So don’t let it bother you.” Gon was never good at words. If only he could sent his thoughts to Killua, tell him how he’s wanted here and that Gon isn’t just trying to be a good person.

“Are you sure? I- I really don’t want to bother you. I just, I don’t have any other options right now. And you have already done so much, I-“ Killua was beginning to panic, Gon could hear it in the way he was stuttering and how his breathing was heavy. 

“Hey.. hey. Listen, alright? It’s okay. You don’t need to worry about a thing.” Gon really wanted to just hug him, tell him that everything is going to be okay. But Killua seemed to value his personal space, and who was Gon to cross that line?

Killua took in a big breath, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve. “Thank you, really, it means a lot to me.” God, he’s so precious. What did Gon do to deserve this boy in his life?

“So, since you’re staying here for a while. I’m guessing some clothes shopping should be in order. You can’t keep using mine, after all.” Gon cheered. He wasn’t the biggest fan of shopping, but Killua had expressed a liking towards it. 

“I don’t have any money.” Killua said awkwardly. 

“Don’t worry about it. I have you covered.” Just as Killua was about to say something, Gon hushed him. “I wont take no for an answer.” He said, excitement clear in his tone. 

“Stubborn.” Killua chuckled softly, looking absolutely adorable.


	6. Nightmare.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some hurt/comfort. Because you guys deserve it.
> 
> Also this chapter is slightly shorter than normal, but I also almost just posted.

Killua opened his eyes to find himself in the arms of his boyfriend. The other was still sleeping soundly, snoring loudly. Killua slid out of his arms and put on his clothes ever so quietly, not to wake the other.

He went to the kitchen and got everything out to make breakfast. Fried eggs, toast with butter, a bit of bacon and a block of cheese. Putting it all on a plate, serving it on the table before going to wake up the other.

He softly shook the sleeping man. “You have to get up for work.” He whispered. The other grunted loudly, turning around. Killua tried ever so softly again. “You will be late for work. I made you breakfast.” 

A loud slap sounded in the quiet room. Killua rubbed at his cheek, smiling nonetheless. “Don’t tell me what to do, you slut. Get out of my way.” He was pushed aside as the man got up and out of bed. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be in your way.” Killua said calmly.

He turned to get the finished pancakes off the stove and served them to the man sitting impatiently at the kitchen island. The other pulled the plate out of Killua’s hand, gesturing for him to leave. “Let me eat in peace.” He claimed. Killua obeyed and left the kitchen, getting to the laundry room. 

He opened the washing machine, pushing back the out coming arms and loading the laundry into it. 

“Clean this, I got to go to work.” Killua turned at the voice, finding himself back in the kitchen once again.

“Yes of course, have a good day.” Killua waved and smiled. Washing the plate in the sink, before putting it on the floor to dry. 

He grabbed the vacuum cleaner off the counter and began sweeping the floor. Emptying the washing machine and folding the soaked clothes. He then proceeded to dry his hands on the fuzzy wall.

Something was wrong. 

“What is?” Asked the small hummingbird in his palm. Had he spoken out loud? He didn’t remember.

“I don’t know, I guess it’s just an odd feeling.” He spoke down at his empty palm. What was he doing again? Oh right, washing the goldfish. Wait no, he was.. Oh! Yes, cleaning under the couch. 

He pushed aside the object in his way, crawling in under the crack of two sofa cushions. 

“You aren’t supposed to be here.” Whispered a lost penny. Where? Killua wondered. He continued to clean. “You should return to Gon.” Mumbled a pile of grime. Who’s Gon? He thought to himself. “Run away.” Rasped the half eaten potato chip. 

“Where to?” He asked.

“What are you mumbling about? Get my food already, I’m hungry.” Spoke his boyfriend. Killua looked around and found himself in the kitchen.

“Right, of course.” Killua smiled, putting the plate down on the table. The other shoved it into his mouth, chewing loudly. The crackling sound of breaking porcelain sounded in the narrowing kitchen.

“This tastes like garbage.” He claimed, throwing his fork at Killua. Without a will to move, he let the fork stab him in the chest. He watched as the blood dripped onto the floor and blended with the tiles. It didn’t stop, and not before long, everything was dripping red.

The ceiling, the floor, the walls. All crying in crimson red liquid. 

“Look what you’ve done! YOU USELESS FUCKING BITCH!” Killua felt all too small to argue. Watching as the figure before him only grew, before breaking through the ceiling. “YOU WASTE OF OXYGEN!” He spoke, almost demonically. 

Killua was scared, paralyzed in place. 

“Killua.” it spoke. Low and threatening. Repeating it with no end.

The demonic thing that his ex had become was leaning closer and closer. Opening it’s mouth to show sharp teeth. Spit dripping onto his face.

“Wake up!” 

****

He sat up quickly, knocking his head against something hard. He felt his entire body covered in cold sweat, it was just a nightmare. He tried calming his erratic breathing that he hadn’t even noticed before now. His heart was pounding like the gears on a steam locomotive. 

He looked around to find himself In Gon’s living room, on his simple gray couch. He then noticed Gon, who was right next to him. He nearly screamed, instead just flinched in shock.

“Are you alright? You seemed to be having a bad dream.” Gon spoke, rubbing at his red forehead. Wait, that was what he had knocked his head into.

“I’m so sorry.” He began, leaning forward to see if he was okay, his hands just floating awkwardly mid air. Gon began giggling, smiling softly at him. His eyes were full of emotions, Killua couldn’t quite put a name to.

“Don’t worry about it.” Gon spoke with an easy smile. Killua had no idea why, but he found himself jumping into Gon’s embrace, hugging him tightly, meanwhile falling off the couch in doing so. 

Gon caught them both, preventing them from falling onto the floor. 

He’s warm, Killua found himself thinking. That earthy scent, mixed with a sweet hint from the laundry detergent. It was calming and at the same time so unfamiliar. Killua found himself moving closer into the touch.

He didn’t snap out of it before he felt big hands on his back, hugging him back gently. Just then did he realize what he did, blush heavy on his pale cheeks. Whether that was from embarrassment, or something entirely else.

“I’m sorry, that must have been-“ Killua completely forgot what he was saying when he felt Gon slowly rocking them, meanwhile rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“Don’t apologize. I’m here for you, remember?” This feeling was.. new. Killua almost felt as if he was melting in the warm embrace of Gon’s arms. Melting like a thin candle, slowly dripping on to the floor.

Gon just continued moving them in a slow rhythm, like one would rock a crib. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Gon asked, after a few minutes of silence. Killua was halfway asleep at that moment. The shared body heat and the slow movement, especially the calming scent, all of it was making all Killua’s worries run away. Gon was safe, felt like the definition of safety. Was he a cat, he would have been purring.

Was it okay to tell Gon about his nightmare? His half asleep self decided that it was.

“I just-“ he let out a yawn, leaning a bit closer to the warmth. “I had a dream, no, a nightmare... I was back at my ex’s apartment. Everything was the same, but it was just weird and scary.” He mumbled out, but Gon nodded, understanding.

“Don’t worry, you’re safe here. I wont ever let him touch you again.” Gon reassured. In that moment, Killua had completely forgotten that they were strangers just a few days ago. It felt like they had known each other since forever.

“Thank you, Gon.” He whispered, finding himself lulling off.

...

He was taken-aback when Killua suddenly launched at him. Having kept his distance until now and then doing this out of the blue. He must have been quite scared. 

Gon was happy to finally be able to hug him, not letting a chance like this go.

He sat still as Killua was falling asleep in his arms. It was already past 9am. Gon had work at 4:30pm. He was planning to let Kon stay home, but Killua might want to go with him.

He didn’t feel his usual restlessness as he sat still on the floor. Normally he couldn’t sit for much more than ten minutes without feeling the need to get up and do something.

Killua was special, different. Gon wanted to know what he felt and why, but he couldn’t put words onto it.


	7. Sirens.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua gets a surprise visitor.
> 
> Tw: suicidal thoughts. And almost rape, but not quite.

Killua woke up, surprised to find himself in the same position as the one he fell asleep in. Head pressed against Gon’s chest, sitting sideways on his lap and a strong arm supporting his back. 

He hadn’t left? But why? How long had it been? Minutes, hours maybe. Killua had been sleeping so peacefully for the first time in a long time. Why did Gon make him feel so safe? They were strangers, didn’t even know each other’s last names.

What did that mean? What does it all mean? Everything was so confusing. His heart was beating loudly in his chest, but he wasn’t quite panicking. It’s alright, calm down.

he looked up to see Gon awake, typing on his phone with his only free hand, meanwhile the other held Killua gently. Gon looked down at him, noticing his stare and smiled softly. Killua’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of it.

“Goodmorning sleepyhead.” Gon giggled endearingly. Killua shifted out of his hold and sat on the floor in front of him instead.

He didn’t know what to do or say. He had abused Gon’s kindness, yet again. “I’m so sor-“

“Don’t apologize.” Gon cut in, giving him a small frown before it shifted to a kind smile. “If I minded, I would have moved. You did nothing wrong, in fact, I was happy that you relied on me.” 

Killua felt like he could cry, just barely keeping in a sob. He wondered why, he wasn’t sad. Well, not any more than usually. Why was Gon affecting him this much? 

He didn’t have to be awake for long, to know it was one of those days. His body felt heavy, his throat tight and his head fuzzy. Just breathe, Killua, it will be alright.

“Let’s get you some breakfast.” Gon said, startling Killua when he stood up and stretched. “Although it’s almost lunch time.” He added with a giggle. Killua’s gaze fell upon the small analog watch on the bookshelf. It was half past eleven. How long had he slept?

Kon was laying in the shadow, close to the air condition. It was stupidly hot outside, the sun rays coming in through the window were warm enough to cook an egg on. However Gon’s fan had been on, keeping the living room bearable, although still warm.

*****

The day had been spent with Killua melting, feeling far too warm to even move, meanwhile Gon was running around doing god knows what. He was going to work at 4pm, however Killua had been offered to stay home, so he did just that. 

He asked multiple times if Gon needed any help, but every time he had been turned down. “No, that’s okay.” Or “no worries.” Was Gon even aware that he wanted to help? It felt awkward to just sit down and do nothing, when he was used to be the one working.

“Killua clean this, and do that. What’s taking you so long? Bring me a coke while you are at it.” He could hear it so clearly, his ex bossing him around. 

It wasn’t always like that. Killua didn’t fall in love with a jerk. No, it all changed back when his ex’s mother died. Killua had stayed in the beginning, feeling bad for him. But it didn’t change as time went by. And before he knew it, he had been manipulated for nearly two year.

The one he had fallen in love with was different. He was so kind, so sweet. They were best friends through high school and ended up dating after graduating. Back then, he was so happy. If he could, he would go back in time a relive those happy moments. But they wouldn’t be the same anymore. He wouldn’t be able to look his ex in the eyes and feel the same feelings as he did back then.

The worst part of it all was that he still cared about him. Even after everything he did. But he would never go back, never want to. 

Memories. All of them. Happy, bittersweet, sad, everything. They went through everything together. Like that one time they went ice skating on thin ice, and his ex fell through. Killua had been by his side through his entire cold. Or maybe like the day Killua came out and his parents had kicked him out of the house for an entire week, before accepting it. Or back when they both had no dates for the school ball, so they went together. 

It was all destroyed.

Torn to pieces, in Killua’s very own pale hands.

“...lua? Killua?” Gon’s voice snapped him back to reality. He wasn’t even aware that he had been spacing out. He felt stupid for letting it bother him so much, even his heart was pounding unbearably fast. Weak.

“What?” He asked, cursing himself for letting his voice crack. Gon was already looking at him with a worried expression. 

“You looked upset, is something the matter?” Gon gave him that kind smile, as he always does. Killua had to wonder what he actually thought about. Gon always seem so happy, maybe he’s just that optimistic? 

“Just remembered something, ‘s all.” Killua answered, wiping at his eyes. He seriously needed to stop crying constantly. Tears aren’t going to help him. 

Gon sat down next to him on the couch, tilting his head like a lost puppy. 

“Sometime it’s hard to let go of the past. Even if you try to forget something, it will still find it’s way to your mind on cloudy days. That doesn’t mean it makes you weak. Our past is what creates us, makes us who we are. You can never change the past, but you can shape the future.” Gon spoke calming, looking down at Killua’s fiddling hands. “Or so my aunt used to say, at least.” He added with a small giggle.

“Your aunt sounds wise.” Killua said, smiling softly. 

“I think she would like you.” Gon was smiling back at him, looking into his eyes as if he could see the answer to every worry in the world. Something about him had Killua’s heart dancing. Jumping around like a sugar hyped child. 

“I doubt it.” Killua chuckled, avoiding Gon’s gaze. Gon just began laughing softly, for what reason he didn’t know. 

“If you say so.” He said, laughing as if Killua had made the funniest fucking joke ever. 

It wasn’t long after that, that Gon left for work, taking Kon with him.

Killua was left to sit awkwardly on the couch. He didn’t know what to do, therefore decided to take a nap. He wasn’t necessarily tired, but it definitely wouldn’t hurt. The heavy bags under his eyes told him so, as he looked into the bathroom mirror. 

The bruises on his face were still painfully evident. The bluish purple had almost completely disappeared, but he was still yellow and red all over. The ointment Gon had bought for him had helped with the swelling, though, so it wasn’t as bad anymore.

However, he still feel self conscious, gross, ugly. Gon must think so as well, although he’s too kind to mention it. 

Killua rubbed a hand harshly over his bruised face. Sucking in a breath at the sting it brought him. He splashed some water on his cheeks, watching as it dripped down, back into the sink. 

A knock on the door brought him back to reality. Did Gon forget his keys? Maybe it’s a delivery man? He thought as he went to unlock the door. 

However the person that showed before him was neither of those. 

He found himself choking on air, throat tight. What was he doing here? How did he know Killua was here? 

“Cheetu? Why- how-?” Killua was finding it hard to breathe. Did his ex send him? But how would his ex know about his location? He was backing away, into the apartment before he could even think.

“My.. not happy to see your good ol’ friend?” Cheetu laughed, following after Killua with a smirk on his face. “Aww Killua, sweet little Killua. You couldn’t possibly be thinking that I would hurt you, would you now?” 

“L-Leave, I- I’m going to call the police!” He hated himself for stuttering, for sounding so weak. Cheetu was simply laughing, smile even bigger as he closed the distance between them.

“Aww there’s no reason to be scared.” Killua gasped as his back hit the wall of the hallway. He took a run towards the living room, trying his best to get away from Cheetu. However it didn’t help, for why would it? No, instead Cheetu just followed him, this time with faster steps. 

“You know, our friend wasn’t too happy about your absence. No, no no no. I never heard that many curse words in one sentence. Oh, I thought I would surely go deaf for all his yelling.” Cheetu was laughing manically. Killua found himself unwillingly trembling. 

A hand grabbed at his shoulder, banging him onto the floor. Another gasp left him as his head landed not so softly on the living room carpet. Killua found himself being held underneath the other. It felt all too familiar. 

“I was told to get you back right away, but I think I will have my fun with you first, after all, you always had such a pretty little doll face.” Cheetu tilted his chin up, but Killua quickly shoved his face away. “Aww come on, it’s not like playing hard to get will get you anywhere. Might as well just let me have my way.” 

As one tanned hand held Killua’s arms in place, another roamed down his body. Struggling like a dying fish, yet he couldn’t get away. Killua closed his eyes tightly, preparing for what was to happen. 

However the hands didn’t roam far past the waistband of his shorts. In fact, they left his body completely, along with the weight from Cheetu’s body.

“What the fuck?!” Cheetu yelled angrily. Killua opened his eyes and quickly landed his gaze on the third party. Gon. But.. he left? Why is he still here?

However the expression on Gon’s face was what scared him the most. He had never seen him like that. Did he wear the same expression back when he confronted Killua’s ex? He hadn’t been able to see it back then.

Killua’s gaze wandered down to the tanned man on the floor. His cheek was red and slightly scratched. Did Gon punch him? 

“I saw you leave, why the fuck are you here?!” Cheetu was trembling on the floor, almost more than Killua had. 

“I forgot my phone, but that’s irrelevant. Because last I checked, you are the one who’s not supposed to be here.” Gon’s voice was so different, intimidating. Scary. Killua was unable to get up, only able to look as Gon launched himself at the guy. 

By the time he was done, Cheetu was more bruised than Killua. 

Although Gon didn’t look weak, he never imagined him to be so strong.

Currently Killua was sitting on the couch, unable to know whether he should cry or be happy that nothing bad happened. Well, to him. Gon was in the kitchen, where he kept an eye on Cheetu, while calling the police.

It was, to say the least, overwhelming, fucked up, absolutely terrifying. 

Before long, police sirens could be heard outside. Killua found himself hiding in a blanket borito, not wanting to talk to anyone right now, especially not a cop.

He could hear them speaking loudly in the kitchen, Gon’s voice could be heard too, now calm. 

A single thought was running through Killua’s mind. He really wanted to kill himself right now. 

He had lots of time to think it over. He had no reason to live. No family nor friends who would miss him. No home, no nothing. He was a spare nail in an Ikea set, a useless puzzle piece, a waste of oxygen. Absolutely and entirely fucking worthless. 

“You can come out now, they left already.” Gon’s voice sounded from the other side of the blanket he was buried in. He really didn’t want to look at Gon right now. 

He could feel the tears run down his face, could hear his own heavy breathing and loud heartbeat. He was panicking.

“Killua... I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. And I’m so sorry that you had to see all of that. I just... I got really mad when I saw him all over you like that. I couldn’t stop myself. I know it can’t be excused, I shouldn’t have done it.” Gon’s.. crying? 

Killua found himself peaking out from the blankets. He watched as the tears grew in Gon’s eyes, before sliding down his freckled cheeks. Why was he crying? He never seen Gon cry before.

“You did protect me, if it wasn’t for of you, he would have gotten his way with me.” Killua tried and failed to swallow the lump in his throat. 

Gon was crying because of him.. 

“I’m so sorry, Killua.” He apologized once again, as if he hadn’t heard what Killua said at all. “I promised no one would hurt you again.” He sobbed, “please forgive me.”

“I.. Gon. You did nothing wrong. Thank you, for saving me.. once again.” Killua sat up awkwardly. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. Should he hug him? Was he allowed to? Before he could think much about it, Gon was already hugging him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating (ㆀ˘･з･˘) I don’t have any excuses. I got a new game on my switch and I have been playing for 12+ hours everyday. Hehe. Woops.


	8. Going down.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua needs therapy. XD
> 
> Anyway. I don’t want to spoil, but I have to put on the trigger warning.  
> So.  
> Tw: suicide attempt.

As Gon held Killua tightly, he felt a lot of new feelings. There was the need that screamed for Gon to protect Killua and never let go of him. Then there’s that warm feeling that he felt every time Killua smiled. He couldn’t label the exact feelings itself, but he assumed it to be that he was simply fond of Killua.

After all Killua is beautiful. He’s funny and sweet, selfless and caring. Killua always listened when he rambled about something he found interesting, even if the conversation went on for hours. He’s a good listener and he’s smart.

It’s only been less than three days since they met. Yesterday, when they went and bought clothes. The day before that when they met in the alleyway. Today, when Gon nearly killed a man.

He thought he’d changed. Since the episode back in his hometown. 

When he saw Killua, on the floor, trembling and crying out of fear, it was like something switched in him. Like everything he had built up over the years, was simply demolished like a hot knife cutting butter. Before he even knew it, his fist had flown through the air and landed hard on the others cheek.

The stranger, he had never seen him before. By the time he finally got to his senses, the guy had blood running down his face, coloring his slightly overgrown stubble. Luckily the police had counted it as self defense.

That didn’t matter, though. 

Killua was okay, he wasn’t hurt. That’s what was most important right now. But would him having seen Gon like that, change anything between them? Would he be scared? Hate him?

He hated himself. For not being able to change, for not being there when Killua needed him. If.. if he hadn’t showed up, would.. would that man have raped him? Just the thought of it made Gon tighten his grip around the boy in his arms.

He hadn’t called in to work, although It was way past 4pm now. He couldn’t go, he couldn’t leave Killua. He would have to ask one of the others to take his shift.. again.

“Killua?” It’s been quiet for a while now. Did he fall asleep aga-

“Gon.” His voice was raspy, broken. “I’m really sorry. I have caused you so much trouble.”

“You should stop thinking.” Gon giggled. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get Killua to realize how appreciated he is. Does he really think that Gon’s doing this out of kindness, pity? Maybe Killua’s really just that oblivious, or maybe he just never been loved right.

Gon would love him right. Killua deserves so much more, he deserves the world, if Gon were to have an opinion on it.

“I don’t understand?” Blue eyes were looking up at him, confusion easily read. 

“You aren’t causing me trouble, it’s not your fault.” Gon smiled sweetly, rubbing circles on Killua’s shoulders. “Since I’m here now anyway, I’m going to make dinner for us.” Or so he said, but he made no sign to get up. They were still hugging, Gon really didn’t want to let go yet. He was still troubled from the incident just an hour ago.

...

It wasn’t right. It shouldn’t be.

Gon always said stuff like that, telling him not to worry or that Killua wasn’t being a burden. But Killua knows it’s just a lie. He’s just trying to make him feel better. 

What happened today wasn’t nothing. Gon fought with Cheetu (although the fight was pretty one sided.) then he had the police come over. Now he’s staying home instead of working, all because of Killua. That isn’t just nothing.

It might not have been Killua’s fault, but if he hadn’t been there, it wouldn’t have happened. 

If Killua wasn’t here... if he just ended it all, wouldn’t that be better for everyone? Gon wouldn’t have to go through any more trouble. 

There wasn’t any reason for him to not do it. He had no reason to live, no mom that would miss him if he did it. No job that would need to get a new employee. No pet that would need to be fed. No nothing, no nobody. What was the point in living anyway?

There wasn’t any.

His gaze went towards the glass door that led to the balcony. They were on the seventh floor. Would that be far enough? 

After a while, Gon let go of him to get up and make dinner. Killua was left cold, suddenly feeling way more alone than just a second ago. Gon was warm and smelled sweet. But Killua didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t right.

It wasn’t right. 

Killua didn’t deserve Gon. 

He got up from the couch, taking quiet steps towards the glass door. Glancing behind him, to see if Gon was still busy in the kitchen. 

He tried biting the inside of his cheek to avoid crying, but the tears were already making their way down his face. He wiped them away with the collar of his t-shirt, before grabbing the handle on the balcony door, and sliding it open.

The afternoon sun heated him up, yet the wind cooled him down the next second. He took another step forward, laying his hands on the railing. 

Looking down, it was actually pretty far. He watched as a stray tear fell from his cheek and seven floors down. It would only take a few seconds, then everything will be alright again.

However he still hesitated to go over the railing.

“Coward” he mumbled to himself, getting his first leg over, then the second. 

He felt a shiver go all the way through his body as he looked down, hanging from the railing. His hands grew sweaty, knuckles white from holding on tightly.

Useless, worthless, trash, stupid, idiot.

Why did he even live until now? He never had a good life. His family treated him almost worse than his ex. Did the world really hate him so much? Was he just their little plaything to have fun with? 

Anger, sadness, fear, disgust, overwhelming.

Tears and tears, all falling down like raindrops. He never been anything but a crybaby. He’s weak, not even being able to stand up for himself. Screw masculinity, he wasn’t even able to try. All he ever did was cry and wait for other people to make choices for him. All he ever did was despair and never try to fix anything. 

Well he was going to make his own choice now. 

In the end he really would die alone. Lonely as the day he was born. Nobody ever cared for him. 

Nobody but Gon...

...

Gon was mid chopping vegetables when he heard the balcony door open. At first, he paid it no mind. Killua probably just needed some fresh air. But as the minutes pasted, he grew more and more worried. 

He decided it wouldn’t hurt to just look and see if Killua was alright. 

However he was not prepared for what he saw. Hanging over the railing, back towards Gon. He’d never run as fast as he did in that moment. 

What made Killua go so far? Was it today’s incident? Everything with his ex? Or perhaps, was it Gon’s fault? Had he done something wrong? Why can’t he make Killua understand that he’s wanted, appreciated? Why can’t he make Killua happy?

Why, why, why? The questions filled his mind as he reached the balcony. He wasn’t about to talk Killua back in, he wasn’t going to risk it. No. Not again.

Instead, he just reached over the railing, grabbing the pale boy and lifting him back over. However, he didn’t let go at that, no. He kept on carrying Killua into the living room, closing the door with his foot. Killua hadn’t said a word, only let out a small gasp of surprise when Gon had grabbed onto him.

Gon didn’t say a word either. He had nothing to say. His own throat felt tight and tears were beginning to form. He wasn’t one to cry, but he’d done so twice today. 

But Killua was alive. He hadn’t jumped. He was alive. Here, still warm in Gon’s embrace. 

“I’m sorry.” Killua sobbed out, after a couple long seconds of them sitting on the couch. Gon had placed Killua on his lap, the same way as when he had fallen asleep this morning. His face was buried into Killua’s shoulder.

He hardly know Killua. They almost just met. But the thought of ever losing him made Gon feel uncomfortable in his own skin. It angered him, pained him. 

“Killua. Please don’t ever do that again.” Gon rasped out through the fabric of Killua’s t-shirt. His whole body was trembling, it’s funny how the table turned. Well, funny wasn’t exactly the word he would use for this situation.

“I’m sorry.” Killua sobbed out, again. 

It was probably weird, for them to hardly know each other, yet they sat so closely. But it didn’t feel weird. It felt.. calming. Just holding Killua in his arms made him feel so much better.

“You really scared me, Killua.” Gon felt his heart skip a beat, when Killua finally leaned against him. “I really do care about you, do you even know?” Killua sucked in a sharp breath.

It went completely quiet. Gon didn’t know what Killua was thinking about, but he could hear the rapid pace of his heart. Both their hearts.

.

.

“Gon,” he began silently, after minutes of silence. “Do you really mean that?”

“Killua, I might just have met you, but I know that I care a lot about you. I wouldn’t have let you stay this long if I didn’t.” Gon tried his best to explain it, he wanted Killua to understand. “I really, truly and honestly, appreciate you.” He added, giving Killua the sweetest smile he could muster. 

“Alright, alright. That’s too much.” Killua avoided his gaze, looking down at his hands instead. Gon could sense a faint pink on pale ears and smiled a bit to himself. Killua was flustered. 

“Will you promise me that you wont.. hurt yourself again?” Gon finally said, bringing them back to why they were on the couch in the first place. Killua nodded against him, but that wasn’t quite enough to satisfy Gon.

“Pinky promise me.” He said, bringing up his pinky. Killua looked at him with a quizzically expression at first, before bringing up his pinky and locking it with Gon’s.

“I promise not to hurt myself again.. on purpose.” Killua mumbled as he shook their pinkies. 

“Seal it with a chu.” Gon giggled as he brought their thumbs together. He could see the blush grow on Killua’s cheeks. Adorable. “Alright, now that we have that settled, come help me make dinner, it’s a lot more fun with you around.”

“O-okay.” Killua stuttered, getting off of Gon. 

.

Gon made it his mission to, from now on, make Killua know that he’s appreciated. Because, today he realized something. He really liked Killua, more than what someone should considering the short amount of time they have known each other. 

Gon wasn’t oblivious to his feelings. It took him some time, yes, but he finally figured out why his heart always beat a bit faster when with Killua. 

It made a lot more sense. All the things he’s been thinking and feeling. He’s going to take care of him, no matter what that takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Killua being edgy teen boy: “nobody understands me.”  
> Gon, being Gon: “up we go” XD
> 
> Sorry, I just found it funny. Everyone is like “no- don’t jump!” And Gon is just like “nope, aint dealing with this today” and just grabs him.
> 
> Anyway.. Gon’s backstory? 👀


	9. Help.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua gets some much needed therapy.

“In the end, it was all your fault” the distance voice spoke threateningly, coming closer with every word. 

However Killua was entirely too busy looking down at the lifeless body on the floor to care about the closing figure. Crimson blood ruining the fluffy carpet, which was laid out neatly under Gon’s gray couch. 

“If you hadn’t left, if you’d only stayed with me.” The voice reminded him once more that it was his fault, Killua’s fault. “Instead you chose to become a burden, and your actions ended up killing the only person who seemed to care about you.” 

In that instant, Killua jolted awake, drenched in sweat. 

It was the fifth night in a row, the nightmares making sure his heavy eye bags stayed the size of teacups. He hadn’t been able to get a peaceful night of sleep ever since Cheetu had showed up.

His eyes scanned the living room. The carpet which was still nicely cleaned. The couch, in which he had shoved off his blanket at some point. Then the huge dog bed in the corner of the room, in which a half asleep dog was looking back at him. Kon lifted his huge body and wobbled over to Killua.

“Sorry Kon, didn’t mean to wake you up.” He spoke as his hands raked through the black and brown fur. Kon was shredding everywhere, his long fur covering everything he touched, and more. Killua would normally wonder how the apartment remained clean, but after seeing Gon in action, he really didn’t need to question it.

Gon was an absolute clean freak. He didn’t seem the type, being clumsy and carefree. Perhaps he got bored easily. Gon had mentioned his hometown a few times, saying he used to run around the forest day and night. Now, stuck in the city, he had nowhere to let out his unusual amount of energy.

Killua looked at the analog watch that stood up on the large bookshelf. It was nearing half past four. Although tired, Killua knew he wouldn’t be falling asleep any time soon. It was still too early to get up, not wanting to wake Gon.

He sat still on the couch, hand subconsciously petting Kon, who was already dozing off again. His mind trailed back to the nightmare that had woken him up. It was the same as the past four nights. Gon, dead on the floor. His ex telling him it’s his fault.

Killua feared it, they knew where Gon lived somehow. What stopped his ex from visiting with a gun and killing Gon on the spot? Killua was surprised it hasn’t happened yet, despite his constant worry.

He’d come to grow closer to Gon. Having no choice but to, considering they sort of live together now.

He found himself less on guard around him, not flinching as much as before. Gon had kept a respectful distance to Killua, staying out of his personal space. 

Killua had gone with Gon to work, neither of them wanting to let Killua stay home alone again, in case someone else would be popping up unannounced. So far, Killua hadn’t met any of Gon’s friends, only caught a small glance at a short boy once. 

However that would change today.

“Another nightmare?” Asked Gon once he had woken up and found Killua spacing out on the couch. Killua had come to figure out that Gon woke at 4:45 every morning, which was not only weird, but inhumanly impossible. 

Why on earth would he be waking up so early, when work didn’t begin before seven? His excuse was that he walked Kon an hour every morning, which had just become a habit he’d grown used to. Apparently he used to go to bed at 8:30 to 9:00. Killua could hardly imagine going to bed any time before midnight. He was all too used to his thoughts keeping him up.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but perhaps you need to see someone professional. To speak to, that is.” Gon spoke awkwardly, searching Killua’s face for any negative reaction. He’d started to notice whenever Gon did so, it made him blush a little every time. Although he was unsure why.

“A therapist?” He asked, slightly harsher than he intended. He wasn’t necessarily offended, nor did he think Gon was wrong in his way of thinking. He just didn’t know whether he was ready to speak to a complete stranger yet. 

“A good friend of mine is a therapist. He had a rough childhood and been through a lot of bad stuff, so he knows how to help better than anyone. I wont push it upon you, but I think it could help you.” Gon explained, clearly thinking highly of said friend. 

“I- I don’t know. Therapy is super expensive and I wouldn’t want you to waste any more money on me, especially if I wont even be able to open up.” Killua was still uncomfortable to talk about his ex. He’d let little slip to Gon, not wanting to even think about it.

“Don’t worry about that. Kurapika agreed to give you some free sessions.” Killua had heard Gon mention Kurapika before, along with some guy named leorio. But it was only briefly, when he told Killua about his adventures.

“I will need to think about it, Gon, I’m sorry.” He felt awkward, even more so when Gon frowned slightly at him. But the frown quickly turned into a kind smile.

“Take your time, I’m sure it’s a tough subject.” Said Gon, understanding as always. 

The rest of the morning pasted calmly. Killua, having nothing else to do, went with Gon on his morning walk. Although he found himself regretting it when they came home and his thighs felt sore.

“I get the afternoon shift at four, what do you want to do until then?” Asked Gon as he pasted him a cold glass of water.

“Well, first of all, I would like a shower.” Explained Killua as he wiped sweat off his forehead. A mix of heat and exercise had made him sweat buckets, which was not only disgusting, but uncomfortable as well. His t-shirt and shorts stuck to him like a second skin and his bangs were clanging on to dear life on his forehead.

“Right, of course.” Giggled Gon, “well, you know where the towels are by now, so I’m guessing you wont be needing my help.” 

“No thanks, that’s alright.” Answered Killua as he downed the water in his glass and got up from the grey couch. 

After grabbing a towel, Killua headed into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and moved to lean against the sink. His reflection in the mirror showed that the bruises on his face had almost completely vanished. Only by leaning very close and studying his own face, could Killua still see the slightly yellow color that painted half his face. It was so faint, that to anyone who didn’t know Killua, it would seem like his natural skin color. 

Thinking about it, Gon had never seen Killua without the bruises covering his skin. 

He discarded of the thought and rid of his shirt. His chest was a completely different story from his face. It was covered in scars and still bruised red some places. He thought the sight was disgusting. 

He turned his gaze from the mirror and got to work at the matter at hand. Turning on the shower and pulling off the rest of his clothes. By the time he was completely naked, the water had turned to a comfortable heat. 

Stepping into the shower, letting the water run down his back and wetten his messy hair. Killua thought about what Gon had said. About therapy. 

Not entirely sure whether or not he was even ready to talk to a stranger, and about something as personal as his ex. Where would he even start? 

A bigger worry of his was the fact that he’d so far only went out of the house to go with Gon to work. They’d been out shopping the day before Cheetu had showed, but back then he wasn’t as scared as now. But he couldn’t stay in Gon’s apartment forever, eventually he would have to find a job and actually show up to said job.

After thorough overthinking, he came to the conclusion that he probably did, in fact, need therapy. 

He’d have to do his best to get his shit together. Gon was being kind enough to let him stay “for as long as you like.” He’d said. But Killua knew that he was overstaying his welcome and needed to make quick work of finding his own place. However he was going to manage that, he was still not sure, but he must. 

After drying off and putting on a clean shirt and his shorts, he went to join Gon in the living room. It was the first time in a while he’d seen Gon just sitting down, doing nothing. He seemed to be stuck in thought, and didn’t turn to look at Killua before he joined him on the couch.

“Showered well?” Asked Gon, smiling at him. He seemed to have snapped out from his thoughts pretty quickly, as if Killua wasn’t supposed to hear them. 

“Is something wrong?” He found himself dare to ask. Gon gave him a weird smile, like he knew Killua knew something was wrong. His expression was full of worry, only making Killua feel more and more like he’d done something wrong.

“Have you thought about the offer?” Asked Gon, as if changing the subject, but this might be just what he’d been thinking about. Was Gon worried about him? He always seemed to be, so it would make sense. 

“I have, yes.” Said Killua, taking a long pause to continue. “I think you’re right, and I should probably talk to someone.” He said finally. An expression of relief was evident on Gon’s freckled face. 

“That’s good, really.” Smiled Gon. “I will make sure Kurapika knows, then we will schedule a time for him to come over.” Explained Gon, already having his phone pulled out, tapping eagerly. One of Killua’s worries were gone, at least he didn’t have to leave the apartment, if Kurapika was coming to him.

And so two days pasted. It was now Monday again and Kurapika was on his way to the apartment. Killua didn’t know if he was ready, feeling himself get cold feet as the minutes pasted. 

“Don’t worry, you wont find anyone who’s more reliable than Kurapika.” Said Gon reassuringly as he noticed the expression of horror that clearly showed on Killua’s face. He gave a weak smile towards Gon, however he couldn’t help but tap his foot nervously, awaiting the ringing of the doorbell. 

Ten minutes of “what if’s” later and then rang the bell. Killua got up and followed Gon to the entrance. He stayed behind a fair few feet and watched as the door swung open. A short blond stepped through the door, instantly being hugged by Gon who was eagerly yelling “Kurapikaaa!! I missed you so much.” 

Killua never seen Gon interact with any of his friends before, and a weird twist filled his stomach. 

“Alright, alright, calm down.” Spoke Kurapika who was weakly trying to push Gon off of him. Gon had to be at least 6 inches taller than the blond, just as wide as well. While Kurapika was slim and thin, Gon was pulling around on two very perfect biceps, which made any shirt he wore look too small. 

“You must be Killua.” Said Kurapika as he finally got out of Gon’s tight grip. 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Answered Killua weakly, shaking Kurapika’s outstretched hand. They continued into the living room and Gon was kicked out. “It’s a personal conversation, Gon, in which you are not part of.” Had Kurapika said, closing the door in Gon’s face.

Kurapika was calm and collected, asking and listening. Killua however, wasn’t able to open up much, still not feeling entirely safe in the company of a stranger. He’d only answered what Kurapika had asked and avoided anything that felt too personal. 

“I think you should begin reading before bed. Not necessarily any more than a chapter. It’s going to help you think less about all the bad things. If you go to bed with a calm mind, you will find yourself having less nightmares.” Sugested Kurapika after 45 minutes. 

Gon was let back into the room and was already starting a conversation with Kurapika, asking how he’s been and what he’s been up to. Killua went to the toilet, feeling the need to take a short break from socializing.

As he went back, he overheard a conversation that he probably wasn’t supposed to. 

“I don’t know.” Said Gon, answering something Killua hadn’t heard. “I think I might be in love with him.” Gon’s voice was different, he sounded troubled. 

“Why don’t you tell him?” Came Kurapika’s voice. Killua had found himself leaning against the hallway wall, listening in. 

“I can’t do that.” Said Gon embarrassment in his voice. “He’s been through so much, I couldn’t possibly put that burden on him.” On who? Killua wondered. Part of him knew, but the other was in denial. Gon couldn’t possibly like Killua could he? No, that would be impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how often I will be able to update, I picked up the harry potter series and have been going nonstop on reading. I got through the first two books on 3 days!


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